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Hogwarts Jokes


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18 replies to this topic

#1 OFFLINE   Meg Wang

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Posted 19 March 2013 - 04:18 PM

So, I'm of course a geek and am a TOTAL HOlic and HOaddict, but I seriously thought we needed these. Continue to add comment or what not. I also included some what not to do's.

House Jokes:

In Hogwarts, there's a magical mirror that will eat anyone who tells a lie.

“A Ravenclaw goes up to the mirror and says, 'I think I’m not smart.' CHOMP! And the mirror ate him.

“A Slytherin faces the mirror and says, 'I think I'm not evil.' CHOMP! And the mirror ate him.

“A Gryffindor faces the mirror and says, 'I think…' CHOMP! And the mirror ate him.”
___________________________________________________________________________


Three friends, a Gryffindor, a Ravenclaw, and a Hufflepuff, go on a hunting trip. The first night, the Gryffindor student comes back to the cabin with a big deer on his shoulders. The others ask him how he did it, and he coolly replies, 'I saw the tracks, I followed them, and bang! I got the deer!'

The next night, the guy from Ravenclaw comes back with an even bigger deer. His story: 'I saw the tracks, I followed them, I made certain I was downwind, I took careful aim, and bang! I got the deer,'

So the Hufflepuff decides to give it a go. But the next night, when he drags himself back to the cabin, his two companions find him bruised and bloody all over. 'What happened to you?' they ask.

'Well,' replies the Hufflepuff, 'I saw the tracks, I followed the tracks, and bang! I got hit by the Hogwarts Express.'

____________________________________________________________________________


What do you call a polite, well-dressed, and humble man at a Slytherin homecoming party?

The waiter.

_____________________________________________________________________________


A patient met her Medi-wizard after undergoing a complete physical exam. The Medi-wizard said, 'I have some very grave news for you. You only have six months to live.'

The patient asked, 'Oh no, what should I do?'

The Medi-wizard replied, 'Marry a Ravenclaw.'

'Will that make me live longer?' asked the patient.

'No," said the Medi-wizard, "but it will SEEM longer."

_____________________________________________________________________________


Why is the sky blue?
Because God is from Ravenclaw
Why is the grass green?
Because Slytherins are meant to be stepped on.

___________________________________________________________________________

Asking "How do you keep a Gryffindor in suspense?" and walking away is only funny the first time.
____________________________________________________________________________

Not allowed at Hogwarts
I will not use umbridge's wand to write, 'I told you I was Hardcore"
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#2 OFFLINE   Teran Love

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Posted 23 March 2013 - 05:39 PM

My first HP joke:

Voldemort: Nice wig Albus! What's it made of?

Dumbledore: YOUR MOTHER'S CHEST HAIR! hehe

#3 OFFLINE   Dijon Adridge

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Posted 24 March 2013 - 02:19 PM

muggle-born: How many pure-bloods does it take to screw in a light-up?

pure-blood: dude, like what's a light-bulb...
  • Musica Cassidy likes this

#4 OFFLINE   Prof. Aqua Rye

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Posted 29 March 2013 - 11:31 AM

Why did Potter cross the road?
No reason, but someone will write a book about it

Knock knock
Who's there?
You know
You know who?
He's dead, you can say his name now!
  • Prof. Maëlle Reynolds likes this

#5 OFFLINE   Teran Love

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Posted 30 March 2013 - 04:54 PM

Muggleborn: Hey, have you ever driven a car?
Pureblood: No, but I heard of a Weasle who has flown one.
Muggleborn: I don't believe it.
Pureblood: Better believe it cause his name was Ronald and he brought the car to Hogwarts.
Muggleborn: I don't believe in magic or flying cars...
Pureblood: ...gtfo -_-

:P

#6 OFFLINE   Jermehy Victanda

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Posted 31 March 2013 - 02:49 PM

Pick up lines! :D

We may not be in Professor Flitwick's class, but you still are charming.
You must be magical because I've fallen under your spell
Are you using the Confundus charm or are you just naturally mind blowing?
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#7 OFFLINE   Rhydian Llewellyn-Jones

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Posted 03 April 2013 - 06:48 AM

Pick up lines

You know, Hagrids not the only giant on the campus ;)
Wanna make some magic together? My wand is at the ready.
You know, the Sorting Hat placed me in Gryffindor. I think it's because like Godric Gryffindor himself, I too have an impressive sword.
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#8 OFFLINE   Ophelia Thorn-Blossom

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Posted 03 April 2013 - 08:11 AM

Why did Professor Snape stand in the road?
So no one could tell which side he was on

A blind wizard walks into a pub. He says to the barkeep, "Want to hear a Hufflepuff joke?" The pub goes completely silent. The barkeep says, "Sir, I am a Hufflepuff. I'm used to handling a rough crowd alone. I have my wand drawn. The wizard to your left is an auror with his wand drawn. He too is a Hufflepuff. The witch on your right has her wand drawn. She is a dueling champion and also a Hufflepuff. Are you absolutely certain you want to tell that Hufflepuff joke?"
The blind wizard says, "Gods no! Not if I'm going to have to explain it three times!"



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#9 OFFLINE   Teran Love

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Posted 13 April 2013 - 01:09 PM

SPAM: ^I like the first one Lia! Haha very clever! :D
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#10 OFFLINE   Prof. Aqua Rye

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Posted 22 May 2013 - 10:55 PM

Why did Potter cross the road.
No reason, but someone will write a book about it.

"WHY ARE YOU WORRYING ABOUT
YOU-KNOW-WHO?
YOU SHOULD BE WORRYING ABOUT
U-NO-POO-
THE CONSTIPATION SENSATION
THAT'S GRIPPING THE NATION!"

(^probably one of my fave quotes from HP 6 xD.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt='xD' />)

The only good thing about the amount of spiders in my room is that I can be certain I won't be having any Basilisks anytime soon!

Do you even leviosa?

Are you a Dementor, cause you take my breath away!
  • (these remind me so much of Chuck Norris >.< vvv)
  • They were going to release a Neville Longbottom version of “Clue,” but the answer always ended up being: Neville Longbottom, in the courtyard, with a sword.
  • Merlin got an Order of Neville, Third Class.
  • There is no night and day, only Neville saying, “lumos.”
  • Nearly Headless Nick once told Neville, “bite me.” You all know the result.
  • Neville Longbottom doesn’t bow to hippogriffs. Hippogriffs bow to Neville Longbottom.

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#11 OFFLINE   Dijon Adridge

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Posted 16 October 2013 - 07:01 AM

A dementor gave Umbridge the kiss... Sadly, it died
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#12 OFFLINE   Rayne Parker

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Posted 05 April 2014 - 08:06 PM

Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road?

 

 

So you'll never know which side he's on. 


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#13 OFFLINE   Judith Dalton

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Posted 27 April 2014 - 11:33 AM

You know you're a Gryffindor when...30% of your time at Hogwarts is spent in the Hospital Wing.

You know you're a Slytherin when...you may or may not be responsible for 95% of those visits.

You know you're a Hufflepuff when...30% of your time at Hogwarts is spent taking notes for friends in the Hospital wing.

You know you're a Ravenclaw when...70% of your time is spent shaking your head at the antics of the other houses.


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#14 OFFLINE   Prof. Max Fae-Girdenlockks

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Posted 27 April 2014 - 12:35 PM

How many Hogwarts students does it take to change a light bulb?

6

1 Slytherin to break it

1 Gryffindor to volunteer to  climb the latter and change it

3 Hufflepuffs to hold the ladder  and insure the safety of the Gryffindor student

and 1 Ravenclaw to point out they could have just used magic.


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#15 OFFLINE   Hunted Shultz

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Posted 19 May 2014 - 02:50 PM

your moms so ugly when she walked into gringotts they handed her a job application


your moms so old she babysat dumbledore


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#16 OFFLINE   Lilian Moonwood

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Posted 02 August 2014 - 01:41 PM

Voldemort: how are the plans coming along?

Prof. Shape: excellent, my Lord. The water balloons are ready, but the nerf guns still need work.

Voldemort: *smiles* potter will never see it coming.



#17 OFFLINE   Hazel Stark

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Posted 01 October 2014 - 02:47 AM

How many Hogwarts students does it take to change a lightbulb?

 
One Slytherin to break it.
One Gryffindor to volunteer to climb up and change it.
Three Hufflepuffs to helpfully hold the ladder and insure the safety of the Gryffindor student.
And one Ravenclaw to point out that they could have just used magic.


#18 OFFLINE   Eryka van der Zwan

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Posted 10 November 2014 - 01:23 AM

How many licks to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?

 

Slytherin with attitude, what is a Tootsie Pop?

Hufflepuff smiles as they enjoy the sweet.

Gryffindor bites right into the center of the sweet. One.  (That was not a lick.)

Ravenclaw continues to calculate the average lick of the average sized tongue of the average student.



#19 OFFLINE   Odessa Rayne

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Posted 10 November 2014 - 04:37 PM

On a scale of nine to ten, how obsessed are you with Harry Potter?
Nine and three quarters! 

 

How do Death Eaters freshen their breath? 
With Dementos.

 

Where do you find Dumbledore's Army?
Up his sleevey!

 

What do you get when you cross a Ravenclaw and the infirmary room? 

Ill-literacy


Edited by Odessa Rayne, 10 November 2014 - 04:42 PM.





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